How To Help: Part II
by Naomi Ernest

If you struggle with your mental health:


First, if something feels off, seek help.

Maybe you’re confused. You're aware something seems wrong but do your best to live with it because of a billion other responsibilities or because maybe it'll resolve itself over time. Take care of yourself. Prioritize your health. This is important. 

Maybe you’re scared. It’s okay. There is nothing shameful or taboo about it. You are not defined by it. And there are people who understand and can help. 

For me, my eventual diagnosis was pretty obvious because mental illness runs in my family. But even so, it wasn’t easy for me to recognize the symptoms at first. There is no gushing blood; there are no broken bones; there is no easily readable sign. If you talk to someone who understands, they can help you recognize and sort the symptoms. So please speak up as soon you feel able.



“There is no gushing blood; there are no broken bones; there is no easily readable sign.” 

Talk to your doctor and be specific. And if you can’t, find a new doctor whom you trust. I know this part can feel defeating, and it can be hard not to give up right here at step one. Frankly, for many of us, the healthcare system is not where it needs to be, especially on mental health care. It took me many tries, and I’m still willing to move on if I must. 

Share with those you trust. I surround myself with friends and family who understand and are willing to, ahem, put up with me at my worst. Remember that any one person cannot be there every single moment for you; try not to take it personally, and if possible, gradually widen your circle of support. When you’re sinking deep, a rope is good, but a net is better. 

Accept that some people you love will not be your support people. This one is hard for me; some of the people I love most have been unwilling or unable to fill that role, to grow into the sort of relationship I need to feel heard and understood and supported. It is hard to accept. It hurts. I struggle with it, but I try to remember no matter how much we love someone, we cannot force them into a specific sort of relationship if they’re unwilling. I love them anyway. I try to move forward with as much grace as I can muster. I try to focus on those people who are willing to be the support I need.



“When you’re sinking deep, a rope is good, but a net is better.” 

It is helpful to track your feelings and symptoms, as in, literally use a calendar or daily journal or app. Though my own mental illness is genetic, mental health issues can also be associated with or exacerbated by physical health issues or hormones or more external factors like specific sources of distress, trauma, or grief. If you are keeping track, you may find a pattern or other clues.



If you can unravel some of this, you might feel more equipped to seek solutions to better manage your mental health, whether with medication, therapy, leaning on your support people, avoiding known triggers, and/or practicing mitigation techniques.

Be honest with your needs. This isn’t always easy or obvious. Maybe you don’t know. But if there are specific ways someone might be able to help, talk to your support people. You are not a burden. They love you. They want to help. 



Also, thank your support people. It can be tough for them, but even when they’re unsure how to help, they keep showing up for you, and they deserve some credit.

“You are not a burden.”

After struggling with mental health my entire adult life, I can tell you my depressive episodes have not gotten easier. They still suck. I still feel worthless. Life gets dark and pointless, and there is no light ahead or around me or in others. 



But during my depression, my husband reminds me I don’t have to do anything in that moment. I can just be. 

I tell myself over and over and over that this will pass. I force myself to believe it. This is not easy. This is a huge leap of faith in pitch black nothingness. 

Though it might feel completely hopeless and as if nothing at all matters, least of all my own meager life, I tell myself to get to tomorrow. To simply survive the day. 

So far, I’ve survived them all.  

(And you have, too.)

If someone is in crisis, and/or you fear for their safety, seek professional help. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255