How To Help: Part I
by Naomi Ernest

If you’re trying to support someone struggling with their mental health, let’s start here: 


It’s okay to feel scared or helpless or hurt or confused. You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel.

You might not recognize your loved one as the person you once knew. It can help to remember they are not doing this “to you,” and they are not doing this on purpose. Like any physical illness, mental illness is not their fault, and we should admit we don’t always know how best to help someone. Give them grace. Give yourself grace.

If you’ve reached out and they don’t respond, it’s understandable to feel frustrated and as if your efforts are pointless, but please don’t give up on them. They are struggling.



“Give them grace. Give yourself grace.”

My sister shared with me that after a particularly long stretch of my not responding, she felt angry and deeply hurt, as if I’d abandoned her. Luckily for me, she was willing to do a little research on depression. She decided she first needed to forgive me for the hurt I caused (even unintentionally). Then she continued to check in on me now and again, sending brief messages to remind me I’m in her thoughts, reminding me that I am loved and a valued part of her life. 



(And I want to note here, I feel grateful to have four wonderful sisters, two brothers, and a dear friend who all continued to reach out during an extremely tough time.)



Though I couldn’t respond in the moment, those small gestures helped. And when I was ready to breathe again, I felt safe enough to slowly approach those who reached out, those who didn’t give up on me despite my non-response, and I trusted them as people who could and would support me.



“Though I couldn’t respond in the moment, those small gestures helped.”

It is hard to navigate and support a loved one struggling with depression or other mental illness. Frankly, not everyone can do it. It can be scary to worry you might say the wrong thing. It can feel like there are no good solutions and that no suggestion you make is good enough, though you want so badly to help, to see them happy. And when you feel you’ve tried and nothing is working, it can be easy to think: “I tried! They don’t want my help! There’s nothing I can do! They’ve pushed me away!” 



This is understandable, but know that these types of responses can lead someone into further pain, further feelings of hopelessness and loneliness and worthlessness and nothingness. So if this is someone you love and want in your life, instead of giving up, give yourself a break. Let them know you’re there and you’ll continue to be there. Keep reaching out in gentle ways, and if they’re not in immediate crisis, it’s okay to allow them to cope however they must. Meanwhile you might get professional guidance and reassess how to better support them. 

“If this is someone you love and want in your life, instead of giving up, give yourself a break.”

If you’ve developed a healthy relationship, you don’t need to tiptoe around their illness. You can encourage them to get the professional support they need and offer to help them find it. If they are willing and able to talk to you while they’re experiencing symptoms of their illness, genuinely listen to how they are feeling. This is so important. We all want to feel heard and understood. And we can all practice better listening skills. 

Speak as honestly with them as possible. If someone is in or near crisis, this might mean asking tough questions like: “are you feeling like you want to harm/kill yourself?” and “have you made a plan?” and “do you feel safe?” and “is it okay if we call someone for help?”

If they are not in crisis, this might mean listening to a heck of a lot of hopelessness, worthlessness, or loneliness. It might mean muteness or wild, erratic and illogical speech. It can be exhausting. Remind them you are there. Remind them they matter to you and why.



Platitudes are not helpful. Please do not tell them to cheer up or look on the bright side. Please do not tell them to be grateful for all the good—their great family! the sunshine and flowers! their new job! God loves us! This might be well-intentioned, but they probably recognize that they should be grateful for certain things. By pointing it out, you’re likely adding to their feelings of loneliness because you don’t understand them, or guilt because they aren’t able to feel gratitude or joy (or anything at all). Never make it about how they should feel; pay attention to how they do feel.



“Never make it about how they should feel; pay attention to how they do feel.“


It’s best to talk over possible solutions and coping methods when someone is not in the midst of their struggles. It’s not easy to figure out solutions in those moments. For me, my lowest moments mean I am unable to even function. I essentially shut myself up in despair. 



My family knows this; they give me grace. My husband, my primary support, goes a step beyond, bringing me glasses of water, food if I’ll eat, offering to start a bath, offering to lay beside me or hold my hand. He uses phrases like: “would it help if I…?” or “would you like me to…?”



This is notable. I didn’t tell him to ask this way, but he figured it out over time. He offers specific suggestions in yes/no format. Because I am unable to think up possible management solutions, he does it for me, and yes/no is easiest to answer. 

My sister has also become more adept at asking in this way: “Would it help if I come over for coffee to talk?” or “Would you like my help finding a therapist?” It doesn’t always matter that you’re offering the “right” solution but that you’re there with them offering a few options for support.



“It doesn’t always matter that you’re offering the “right” solution but that you’re there with them offering a few options for support.”


Most often, people say this: “Is there anything I can do?” or “let me know how can I help” which, to be fair, is also kind and caring, but a person in deep struggle with any illness doesn’t always know how to answer this. And this is especially true of depression where one feels such despair, as if nothing will matter. I mean, if they feel nothing will help, how can they answer that?



So while it’s perfectly understandable to conclude: “well, I don’t know what you need if you don’t ask,” remember, it’s very likely that someone struggling doesn’t know what they need or how to ask. 



If you do ponder a general sort of: “How can I help?” Here’s my answer: First, pay attention to them. The first and best way to love someone is to give them your attention.



“The first and best way to love someone is to give them your attention.“


Second, take yourself to the library or health care professional or mental health website, and find information on supporting your loved one. If you really want to help, don’t put the onus on someone suffering to find solutions; instead, put in some effort to figure out how you can best support.




If someone is in crisis, and/or you fear for their safety, seek professional help. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255